You see? Everyone sees me as a happy girl, lovely, and beautiful to behold, never withholding a charming smile from anyone who crosses her path. The best time to appreciate her beauty is when she is amidst her family in the public, she blows them kisses and laughs ear to ear at every joke, to everyone around her, she was born for nothing but love. What is love? Nonsense! It doesn’t exist. Give a man money consistently and you will love but stop giving him and you will have no love. Everybody loves for a reason, that is what I have seen in my lifetime so far.

I am not a happy girl, neither am I graceful, loving? Far from it, but to crown a perfect actress of 25 years, that’ll be me, Oscar, AMA, Golden globe, name them all. My life has been nothing but a scripted story written by me and influenced by the people around me.

caged

I have addictions, that is what you will call them, but they are my perfect definition of living, they keep me grounded and help me not to lose my cool. I think straight when I’m in sky 13 after the third round of 10mm wrapped weed. Cocaine is no big deal to me, not taking it is killing somebody and that’ll be nothing but a federal case – Homicide! That’s what they termed it. I smoke, inject drugs and masturbate like crazy. If I don’t do any of them in a day, I’ll end up behind bars, so don’t judge me.

My father is the chief reason I am like this, he started by inserting his middle finger in my vagina when I was four, he was the loving husband who will help his wife around the house, especially with early morning and evening care for the babies. The habit continued and it became something I could not do without, somehow, I don’t know how, but I felt that what he was doing was wrong. He did it where no one else was. Just the two of us. He progressed from fingering to having real sex with me, I lost my mind in the process, innocence left me at such a tender age so I’m not even sure if I haven’t lost myself. He continued till I clocked 16, even after we had been taught about sex, menstruation, ovulation and gestation. I got pregnant and he aborted for me. Two different times. My mum was not aware but she was guilty, she is guilty. I told her whenever she bathed me back then to ‘check me’ like my father always did, she only beat my hands off my vulva while she rushed through with washing the outer part of my life. Career woman! What a huge price to pay for it!

I do not believe in the existence of God, I go to church but if the person being described by our Pastors right from my childhood days really exists, then they are disillusioned. To me, he doesn’t. How can a kind and merciful father be up there and watch my father do all those ignominious things to me? I was a poor child. How can you say he exists while earthquakes rock the earth and swallow many innocent beings leaving many innocent children orphans and wanderers on the surface of earth. How can you say he exists while those Chibok girls were captured and have not been released ever since then, their parents languish in psychological turmoil every single day! For all I can see, the powerful wins, shikena. Life is a game of chances which has no rules but left up to probabilities. The guilty lives in peace while the innocent stays behind bars and awaits death. The rich kills to get himself established while the kind lives in penury. The dishonests rule this world. There are no divine beings! Don’t be tormented, there are no ghosts, no gods, no supernatural beings, just death and devil. I have seen the two before, the latter I have related with, I kiss him daily. I have seen the devil and he is my father!

I have big hatred for men, I don’t want to be touched by girls, I have a perfect dildo to take care of my hunger and thirst for sex. My father is still out there, not yet convicted, he smiles at everyone and they praise him as a good man. You see why I said there is no god? Even the pastors praise him and urge others to be like him – blinded monkeys!

They are worried about me, they want me to bring a man home. A family meeting today, they feel I’m satisfied, the next thing is a Man. So, I’m going for that meeting and I am going to show them my husband, the most intimate man I know – my father. I won’t live in this darkness no more, it is time for everyone to hear my story.

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